Meraki Healing Center, PLLC

It has been hard to sit on this post! I wrote it a little while ago, and have purposefully not edited or changed much in the hopes of retaining the authenticity of the words and emotions that were present when I wrote it. I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to share, and decided this website would be a good hub for all updates on news & things to come. And because this post is lengthy, I included a handy-dandy table of contents for you, if you’d like to jump to a certain section. (Spoiler alert, though, each section is gonna make more sense with the context of the rest. Sorry). So, with that, I am excited to make public that I will officially be returning to Boston College this fall!

1. The Job.
2. Younger-me reactions.
3. Not ____ enough.
4. Truth.
5. Affirming.
6. The bittersweet.
7. Why it matters.

The Job.

You’re looking at…

The Assistant Director of Mental Health & Wellness, a new role in the Center for Student Wellness (formerly Office of Health Promotion, for my fellow alumni) at Boston College 👀😬 

"They don't know the monster they've just unleashed. In a good way!"

If you would’ve told me 10 years ago that I’d still be at BC (or even just on the East coast!) I would’ve been … extremely confused. But you’re hearing (reading) it here first, I’m officially coming back, this go-round as a full time employee. Same fired-up, ready-to-ruffle-all-the-feathers energy, now with a new title and in a new office. Ohhh baby. As my grandma said, “they don’t know the monster they’ve just unleashed. In a good way!” 😂💁🏼‍♀️ I feel seen.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t still in a bit of a state of disbelief about the epic-ness of the role I have the privilege of stepping into while simultaneously laying the foundation for. I will be, and I quote, “responsible for developing a comprehensive, campus-wide approach to mental health education and awareness, including (but not limited to) the creation and implementation of a plan to promote student emotional wellbeing, increase community awareness of student mental health, and train community members on suicide prevention”.

Younger-me reactions.

It still gives me goosebumps. I spent the better part of the last 10 years dreaming up and creating different realities for potential “status quo changes”, each scenario an attempt to find the words to describe the job and tasks at hand of redefining and re-examining how we – as a collective whole – understand and talk about mental health, and none were formulated in as concise yet open-ended a way as the job description I would receive for this role achieved. (Side note – I think often about the one time I was trying to articulate out loud my not-yet-formulated hopes of creating some type of mental health education program to my former manager, and his question was, “what would that look like?”, to which I responded, “I have no idea”. This is for youuuu, Marek! Now I know!)

10-year-old me is inspired and awestruck, but also confused cuz that person can’t be me, I don’t know what mental health means. 13-year-old me is positive this is a mistake, she doesn’t (know how to) acknowledge, express, or talk about her emotions, let alone imagine creating a program that emphasizes the importance of doing so. 15-year-old me is probably just scared, covered deeply with anger, because this future-job threatens her currently-“successful” ways of coping and surviving. 18-year-old me is intrigued, cuz she’s getting her first look into what it truly means to unravel the complexities of understanding one’s mental health; but also as a result of this learning she’s petrified of the implications that being ready for a job like this has for her planned-out-life. 24/25-year-old me has started reclaiming her connection to herself back and is THRILLED a job like this exists; she even wrote about wanting to create a program like it for her grad school application.

Not ____ enough.

However, all of these versions of me still wouldn’t be able to imagine THIS me stepping into a role like this. Because she isn’t ___(fill in with a multitude of adjectives, there are many that existed)___ enough. There’s a pervasive cloud – of self-doubt, shame, guilt, insecurity – that permeates through every crevice, and it doesn’t matter how many accolades, accomplishments, or prestigious awards she receives, or how many times people tell her the opposite; on some level, to some extent, she doesn’t believe she is worthy. And it is for EVERY SINGLE ONE of those versions of me, and all the others in between, that this 28-year-old me is wholeheartedly taking this job. And it is for those me’s that I am NOT going to do what I normally do, which is be super self-deprecating and sarcastic about how I got here. That’s a journal entry for another time, though.

Truth.

We can't do this life alone - we aren't meant to do this life alone. I hope you never succumb to believing you're supposed to do life alone.

What I AM going to do is continue to be honest. And curious. And invested in my own health and well-being, my own healing journey. And part of that is treasuring the importance of relationships. To practice what I preach, I will (try to) lean like hell on my people – to celebrate and enjoy the light, to hold onto through the heavy, and to just be present with in all the small moments in between. We can’t do this life alone – we aren’t meant to do this life alone. I hope you never succumb to believing you’re supposed to do life alone.

And perhaps most importantly (at least for where I’m at right now) I will continue to turn inwards, trust my intuition, and fully lean in to the practice of spending time with and honoring my own feelings and emotions and thoughts. 

• I’m hoping I shared some words about my road-trip already, and if not I hope I will soon. But when my therapist asked me if I was ready to come home, and I had an unexpected flood of emotions and cried (lol yes really), I realized it was because this trip has been one of coming home to myself. And I’m nervous about how that will change as I return to the real world. But I’m gonna get back to the point of this post, it’s already long and doesn’t need tangents, so that’s also a post for another day 🙃

Affirming.

For the younger-me’s, I will stand rooted in my dignity. “You don’t give dignity, you affirm it….Our dignity may involve our doing, but it is foremost in our very being”. I will affirm the dignity inherent in every younger version of me, every time she comes forward and tries to take the driver’s seat with her insecurities and her shame. She has a voice, it gets a place here, but she doesn’t get to take the wheel anymore. I know the power that comes with feeling worthy. With feeling, knowing, the intrinsic value your life holds, and believing in your irrevocable right to a life that honors your whole self. It is for each of those parts of me, for THIS me, that I step into this next chapter with a wildly bittersweet perspective on all that was, all that is, and all that is yet to come.

Embracing all of that? THAT’S how I got here. 

The bittersweet.

The emotions are raw, and the most vulnerable way I can describe it is bittersweet. While I am overwhelmingly filled with excitement, inspiration/motivation, and deep gratitude, I am also making space for the less-happy part of me. The reality of saying “yes” to this job meant saying “no” to the very-likely-possibility* of joining the Sports Counseling Clinic as a full-time clinician. I poured my heart into that job, into helping build that program, and I was absolutely changed by everything that transpired, especially by the relationships with my clients, throughout the year. The version of me from a few months ago, who was fighting tooth & nail to do whatever she could to secure funding for the program & make that possibility happen, she’s feeling the longing and the taste of sorrow that comes with making a hard decision, no matter how right it is. While I may be putting my licensure hours on the back burner for now, I am by no means saying “goodbye” to counseling. That meaning-filled and purpose-driven work now has a permanent place in my heart, and I have full confidence it’ll weave its way into my day-to-day responsibilities when it’s time 🙂 To all my former clients (who I’m realizing I doubt will ever see this….), please come visit me and say hello anytime. Bailey and I miss seeing you.

Oh also, didn’t even touch on the TERRIFIED emotions. Those are very much real too. This is a biiiiig job, and I feel the pressure – I don’t want to let anyone down. My perfectionistic tendencies are already struggling to accept how much I will have to “fail” along the way of making this program the best it can be. 

Why it matters.

So…yea. There aren’t adequate words to try to let you into the fullness of what I’ve experienced these past few weeks – well, months really – as I reflected and pondered and dug deep while this opportunity was becoming a reality. It is my attempt with this unfiltered, barely edited (yikes, will I regret this? probably) stream of consciousness to share with you the depths of meaning that this job holds. I’m smirking and chuckling thinking about the many who may read this and think, “…lol what? it’s just a job…?” and I’m tempted to let that overtake my perspective, too. But I’m not going to. For the past and present and future versions of me, who will undoubtedly see this job as a crucial benchmark on this wild journey, I am staying cognizant of the divine appreciation of it all.

It marks an invitation, a willingness, for change.

And – to honor those who are the reason I have found myself so called to this line of work – the meaning of this job extends far beyond anything it holds for me. It marks an invitation, a willingness, for change. It marks the initiation of what I can only hope is a massive culture shift in the way mental health and wellness is addressed, considered, and treated at Boston College. It’s time the stigma is squashed and the shamed experiences normalized. Now, every single person on that campus will be invited to learn what it means when we talk about mental health – including the fluctuations that are to be expected as we move through life’s ups & downs; to consider where they’re at on their own health journey – what’s working, what supports they still need, and what barriers are preventing full, holistic wellness; they’ll be challenged to dig deeper and start conversations that aren’t easy, aren’t comfortable – but are crucial; they’ll have access to the tools and workshops to know how to properly identify and/or respond to a mental health crisis – including suicide prevention training; and you bet your butt I’ll be working towards making this happen at every level of the institution. So yea, I’m gonna have my hands full, and we’re just getting started. Challenge accepted.

Watch the heck out, Boston College. I’m comin’ in hot!!

*The optimist in me (100% influenced by Matthew Yellis’s cup-half-full perspective) is fairly certain the funding will come through for another full-time clinician – how can it NOT?! The realist in me (100% influenced by my previously pessimistic tendencies) is hoping some of the right people will read this and can make it happen ASAP cuz Matthew, the sole full-time sports counselor for all of Boston College Athletics, needs HELP.