Meraki Healing Center, PLLC

My team put me on “the hot seat” today, so this post is going to shine the spotlight right back on them, sort of, in an indirect way. This is the result of the freshly rejuvenated reflections that they prompted.

It’s a tradition in my office to put the one whose birthday it is on the hot seat (or so they claimed, to get away with doing so to me…bit suspicious that no one else has had a birthday yet), and everyone gets to ask this person a question that they have to answer. our dear F.H. likes to get away with asking many questions by saying, “this isn’t my real question…”. all jokes aside, i think this tradition speaks to the beautiful camaraderie and culture that our boss has enabled and cultivated, one where we are given this space to be honest, and connected, and supportive of each others’ vulnerability – both the question-asker’s & -answerer’s – in a way that’s still fun and also real.

there were definitely themes in my answers to their questions, one of which is the way this year has been such a powerful year of self-growth, full of moments that led to the most profound discoveries (examples were given of specific self-reflective questions during my road-trip). K.P. asked me at the very end how, in my experience, one comes to know oneself. She was asking me to expand on & clarify how exactly that had happened for me – to which i responded that one, i’m definitely still learning and still doing it, but two, that it began with facing my fears and leaning into the hard parts; those things that are most uncomfortable, and that i find myself using other tactics to avoid, it involved actually leaning into those things, and spending time examining them with curiosity and compassion. one of those things is the way in which i’ve always used work as an escape – an avoidance tactic, the autopilot mode in which i disconnect. this isn’t new to me, but i saw it in a new light this year and in a way that enabled me to challenge that mode.

well anyways, to get to the point of why i’m writing this right now – that question led to the topic of enneagram types, and an out-loud hypothesizing about what type I am (I can now confirm I am 100% a type three). P.H.B. sent me a song by Sleeping At Last, “Three”, from his album, Atlas: II. What a damn cool album, by the way – highly recommend checking it out. There are nine songs on this album that are written about or from the perspective of the respectively-titled enneagram type. I played it, and pulled the lyrics up while playing it, and definitely cried. This song… this song was me. This was absolutely a song written for, about, and describing me. I could see my journey – envisioning myself on this journey from multiple different ages and perspectives – as the song continued. In a surprising-at-the-time but not-so-surprising-now way, all the contextual details that my answers were trying to – but wouldn’t adequately – encapsulate are portrayed in the story arch for the character in this song. and it is simultaneously heartbreaking and soul-warming.

it is a story of letting go. it is a song that answers my interpretation of the outcome to K.P.’s question: what does it mean to be where you are? what does it look like when you have done what you described as the most powerful thing you learned* this year? well, this song describes what that looks like, for me.

there’s this desire to be seen by others. in this particular song, it’s a story of redemption: the character is finally seeing themselves. enneagram threes have a deep ache to be seen, and this story is one of the character seeing themselves, finally being in touch and connected with their heart. if you look a little deeper, it’s a letter being sung to themselves, reminding them that they are worthy of love. in the podcast episode about the making of this song, Ryan’s guest explains the paradox of solitude for the type three, and how crucial this practice really is. i love this because it helps paint a picture in another form of why the summer road-trip was what it was for me – and the other moments before and after it, too – & how the practice of finding and cultivating and appreciating solitude are what actually allowed the self-discovery and growth to happen.

i could pull apart and analyze every single line of this song and tell you how, in some way, it shares my story. but i think you should just listen to it yourself – and you should listen to the podcast episode that goes along with it. on whatever platform you use, definitely go check out Sleeping At Last’s album, Atlas: II, and listen to each of the songs titled “One” through “Nine”. Then tell me, which enneagram type are you, and do you find your personality represented in the song as strongly as I do in “Three”? Hats off to you, Ryan O’Neal, you are a goddamn magician of a musician and I am so grateful to have been introduced to this whole other universe of your work.

And hats off to all of you, CSW family, for instigating the beautiful storm that happened internally through the rest of the day today (in a good way), and for ultimately prompting the reevaluation of several upcoming projects; you helped put in place the final layers of the foundation on which i can almost guarantee the already-planned workshops – on authenticity, vulnerability, & caring for yourself – will be restructured and built anew.

*still learning.

Lyrics to THREE:

maybe i’ve done enough,
and your golden child grew up.
maybe this trophy isn’t real love-
and with or without it, i’m good enough.

maybe i’ve done enough,
finally catching up.
for the first time i see an image of
my brokenness utterly worthy of love.
maybe i’ve done enough.

i finally see myself.
through the eyes of no one else.
it’s so exhausting on this silver screen
where i play the role of anyone but me.

i finally see myself.
unabridged and overwhelmed,
a mess of a story i’m ashamed to tell,
but i’m slowly learning how to break this spell.
and i finally see myself.

now i only want what’s real-
to let my heart feel what it feels.
gold, silver or bronze hold no value here,
where work and rest are equally revered.

i only want what’s real-
i set aside the highlight reel,
and leave my greatest failures on display*

(*worthy of love anyway)

there’s a question that i was asked, to which i answered something true, something honest – but not the most true & honest. my more-complete and yet somehow even more vague answer to your question, J.K., is found in the last two verses – i’d argue, one verse – of this song.