Meraki Healing Center, PLLC

As I look back on 2022, I overflow with all the emotions. The whole damn range. There isn’t an adequate way to sum it up. I am proud of so much, grateful for so much, in awe of SO much. I witnessed and experienced so much in this past year that it feels unfair that I got all of that – undeserving of the abundance. Five years happened in the last 365 days. That’s how I feel. So. Much. Learning.

My mantra in 2022 was “stay present”. It was the absolute best gift I could’ve given myself, cultivating so many moments of genuine, compassionate curiosity in the here & now. I wrote about how, looking back, it really was the year of embracing the paradox. But learning how to stay present was what enabled that embrace. It is the most important muscle I need to continue to build. This is a forever journey, and I’m grateful to know and believe the power of it firsthand.

I also explored – am exploring – what it looks like to (re)commit to myself. Not for achievement, not for recognition or praise, not for other. For SELF. What does it look like when I really, truly decide that I am worth the energy I am so quick to give externally – to others, to work, to chasing success – but not internally – to caring for, nurturing, and tending to, self? How do I need to show up, differently, for me? So much was uncovered this year. Most of it not enjoyable to look at, to pull apart, to revisit. Most of it I’ve NEVER successfully been able to look at, pull apart, or revisit. But the past few years have snowballed to let this version of me really buckle up and dive in. Or start to. It’s hard as hell. Absolutely the most awful part?

It fucking HURTS. Emotionally and physically, by the way. Decades of avoiding means there are now many layers to uncover and shake free. There is a reason these feelings, these thoughts, these fears were dealt with the way they were (read: not dealt with, at all); it is an unbearable pain our psyche cannot fathom, the underpinnings of those feelings & thoughts & fears, so we manage the only way we know how. We do the best we can with what we have at any given time.

What I know now is so different. The tools and resources I have now are literal gold – if only little Cass could know what’s to come. But she doesn’t – she couldn’t – and so now, it is my job to teach her. To change the narrative. It is my job to show up. For her. To protect her and advocate for her. To believe her. And to do so means to have to grieve, over and over, and unlearn patterns, over and over, and create new pathways, Over. And. Over. It’s hard, and it’s painful, and it’s exhausting. And yet, it’s where freedom exists. That peace, joy, love, connection we are all yearning for – that’s a byproduct of doing this work.

So, looking forward to 2023, I am walking into the new year with, “begin again”. Begin again, Cass. You have the tools. You’ve started the work. Decades of functioning aren’t going to suddenly change; it is going to take consistency, compassion, and gentle slowness. Just like you tell your clients. Over and over, you’re going to meet resistance in so many different forms, and you’re gonna feel like you’re back at square one. Step away when you need to, and recenter yourself. Bring forth that childlike curiosity, and awe, and wonder. And then begin again. Keep beginning again, for her. Over and over. She is so damn worth it.