Meraki Healing Center, PLLC

i’ve tried to put pen to paper many times over the last few months. and while i have many half-baked pages and streams of consciousness written, my brain turns to mush and i feel very far away when i try to craft the post i want to share. there’ve been many updates in my life recently, and many new changes are coming. overwhelmed is an understatement. i’m hopeful i will share something meaningful soon. but the short version is:

• upon returning from BC’s spring break in mid-March, i gave notice at my current job. i finish my last day as the Assistant Director, Mental Health & Wellness at BC at the end of this week. grateful, humbled, and trying to wrap my head around all that we accomplished doesn’t even scratch the surface.
• i am moving. for the first time since leaving home for college, i am packin’ it all up and heading back across the country. this time, i’ll be settling in Denver, CO. over a decade in the city that i’ve called home my entire adult life, where do i even begin saying my goodbyes and processing all the change?!
• no, i do not have a new job lined up. nope, don’t know where in Denver i’ll be living, and still not sure whether we’ll be flying or driving. basically – absolutely nothing is set in stone, not even the official moving date.
• what i do know: i’ve said i’m ready for a change from Boston for a long while now. i thought the move would happen last year, but when my current job became a potential reality, it was an opportunity i couldn’t pass up. i’ll share more in a separate post, but it has become clear to me over this past year that who i am now is a very different person than the one who dreamed up a job like this a few years ago; the toll it has taken on my mind, my body, my spirit is no longer something i am willing to accept as necessary. it’s time to help myself get – and stay – off the hamster wheel. i have treasured this past year. the relationships with the students, staff, and faculty that i’ve had the pleasure of working with and getting to know will forever be imprinted on my heart. i can only hope that the new initiatives, programming, and training workshops we instituted this year will become part of the fabric of this university in due time. but for me, it’s time for a change – it’s time to refuel and reset, and it’s time to get back to counseling. it’s time to feel more like me – the healthy, grounded version of me i want to be – again.

those are my updates. before i share more reflections, lessons, and all the complicated emotions that are part of this journey, i want to share something i wrote exactly one year ago. i recorded the first things that came to mind while I was driving from Nashville to Knoxville on graduation day (is anyone surprised i traveled to Tennessee for a concert instead?!), reflecting on what the last few years had stirred up in me and what i’d learned, both in and out of grad school. turns out that i so very desperately needed to read these words of wisdom now as i embark on this new transition period, where everything once again feels unsettled and shaky; so here’s the re-share of the lessons from me, to me, in case you need to read any of them, too.

• learning to trust my intuition has been the most affirming, life-giving, and transformative experience to date. do whatever you gotta do to continue strengthening this muscle.
  • keep turning inwards. keep investing in and developing the tools you need to do this for yourself.
• take the chance. bet on yourself.
• stay curious. about everything. this is a superpower that fuels you and it is central to your authentic self.
• you have nothing to lose that is more important than asking for what you need.
• your clients will impact and change you in more ways than you ever could’ve imagined. stay present.
• you’re a good clinician (or so they say). the imposter syndrome is strong (see?) so your conviction needs to be stronger.
• we’re living in a world that’s on fire. how to breathe while in the smoke: stay planted in the right soil. stay surrounded with the right people.
• put your own damn oxygen mask on first. and here’s the kicker, you can help put someone else’s on after, but you can’t force them to keep it on. they have to want to breathe for themselves first.
• and related, don’t sever connection for the sake of control. “the small thing we can do – when we see someone struggling, especially someone we care about – is know that our job is to be in connection with, not to fix” – the one and only Brene Brown.
• emotions are hard. lol being human is hard. people need a vocabulary, a language to identify, make sense of, and move through their emotions. when we do this, everything changes.
• there is music for everything. soak in it. revel in it. blast it. and enjoy the hell out of hearing it live. go to the show. even if – especially if – you’re deep in grief.
  • in the wise words of Morgan Wade: to escape the hands of time it’s okay to not be alright, then let it go, let it go, let it go, face the truth and bare your soul, lose yourself and break your heart it’s a beautiful thing to fall apart.
• healing is not linear. anyone who gives you a roadmap or quick fix “checklist” is lying.
  • this knowledge will change your life: “healing work is about feeling more internal safety and connection to the here and now and the ability to begin to tolerate distress with a little more ease and flexibility. part of the work of healing is to support your nervous system in building resilience pathways into a ‘felt sense’ of safety and regulation. this is the work of gently reshaping the nervous system”
• we are not responsible for, nor should we try to manage, others’ reactions or perceptions. the sooner we let go of this false expectation, the sooner we love more freely. (lol live autocorrected to love but i like it, i think both stand).
• ok, one more BB zinger: our connection with other people is only as solid and deep as our connection to ourselves. in order for me to be connected to you, i have to know who i am. i have to be connected to myself, and i think what we end up doing is we end up desperately searching for connection with other people, when we have no idea who we are.

and there you have it, folks. the words that i am grateful i had the headspace to think up one year ago, because they are the foundation upon which i am rooting myself as i embark on this next adventure. more to come. xo. love to you all in whatever transitions you are finding yourself in! go easy, this shit’s hard.