Meraki Healing Center, PLLC

goodness gracious reading my old saved drafts on this website is a heartbreaker! it’s stirring up a lot of emotions in me right now and i find myself genuinely wondering what i will do with all of those posts. i picture them in a book, somehow, someday. i don’t know what the purpose is or will be yet, but i know that those words hold a lot of raw truth and help share the story of my journey, peaks and valleys and pitfalls and all, and i’m trusting that when the time is right, i’ll know what to do with them.

i’m in a weird season. i feel off. i feel sad. really sad, a lot of the time. i know that when i am in these periods, it’s likely because i haven’t been paying attention to something – usually several things – needing my attention. i’m trying to hold tenderly the different parts of me that are coming forward, or want to come forward, or aren’t coming forward because they are actually just too terrified to do so, as i write this. i’m really aware of the lost, struggling, and painfully scared child right now. she is so small, so in need of protection and love and care, and so confused at who is safe and who isn’t. there’s another, too: she’s a little older now, and this yearning is still there, but it’s buried under pretty dark cloaks of anger and rage. of forced independence. of the portrayal of a stone heart, but in reality she’s got a deeply sensitive, feeling and hurting heart, capable of so much love but so programmed to believe she’s not worthy of experiencing it. she moves to the side to show us another version now, the one who learned how to put on a smile and perfect the facade to make sure other people could feel better. so others wouldn’t know how fucked up she really was inside, so they’d want to be around her. so they’d want her near them. oh how she so desperately wanted deeper connections, but couldn’t possibly figure out how to do it healthily because at her core, she couldn’t trust herself enough to build true connections with anyone else.

and now, the converging of a lot of pretty terrified parts is causing a lot of internal mayhem. i can’t stay grounded, because my internal dialogue is so confused, so loud, so many different voices fighting for attention and survival, all without the felt safety to do so in a calm, integrated, connecting way. so maybe i’m not in a ‘weird season’. i’m in a season where i’m being offered a chance to try to unearth those parts again, make room for those voices to be heard in a calm, listened-to way, so that i can show up more fully as my true Self in all aspects of my life. those parts are all important parts of me, and i am honoring just some of them briefly here because i think it’s important to show the truth of what the valleys can feel like. i feel inclined to assure you that i’m okay, that i’m writing this from a grounded, safe state; but even that inclination demonstrates the protective efforts of one of those parts i mentioned above taking charge :).

the reason these drafts all keep getting saved as drafts instead of being published is because these words feel way too vulnerable, way too revealing, way too embarrassing, to share. but as i sit here typing this one, and really allow my present day Self to stay in the driver’s seat, i can recognize that those fears are about wanting to protect those vulnerable parts. those younger, insecure, terrified parts who don’t yet believe they are worthy of existing, or that their voices matter, or that they can actually say and feel what they want / need to say and feel, simply because they are HUMAN and they have that basic right. of course these drafts feel way too vulnerable to share! they contain the words that versions of me from the past would absolutely laugh or gawk at, in an effort to mask the vulnerable experience of feeling so seen, so heard, so understood through those words. there’s also the complex truth that my story isn’t just about me. that other people are involved, that other feelings and experiences are inevitably intertwined with mine, and it’s an internal battle to figure out what i can write that feels true enough, but in a way that limits drawing any other stories into the spotlight. because this is about me. my experience. my journey to uncover those parts. and just like we say when we’re leading our group therapy sessions, when we leave each group session we can share our own stories, but we can’t share the stories we heard or saw from other people in those sessions.

i’m writing this for the person out there who maybe is struggling to find their way. to find their voice. to make sense of the really confusing internal chaos that comes in waves, or maybe is constant, or maybe is still a sort of whirlwind that doesn’t even have a felt shape or sense because it hasn’t been explored yet. i’m writing this to say that it’s never too late to start discovering parts of who you are that have always been there, but maybe have been buried under many layers of protection over the years. the parts who are guarded ferociously by other parts for survival. it can be a painful journey, unearthing all those parts. they’re buried or protected for a reason! but the real healing happens as a result of taking that journey. it doesn’t mean you need to do it alone, though. actually, please don’t. my bias says find a therapist. if you’re intrigued by the way i’ve talked about some of this, find a therapist who uses Internal Family Systems, or IFS. if you’re not ready for that step, find a trusted friend, family member, mentor. someone who you feel safe talking to. let them embark on this journey with you. create that space for yourself so that, when you inevitably discover some deep hurt or resentment or fear or other emotions that your system has worked hard to protect you from feeling, you have a person who you can lean on for much needed support and comfort. let them remind you of your inherent goodness, your inherent worth, your inherent right to heal.

in therapy, we talk alot about the importance of having a compassionate witness. this is crucial, actually, to experience and sustain healing. i will likely write more about what this is and what it means in a different blog post on my work website, but i bring it up now to share about my own revelations from the past few weeks; even just from the last few days. you see, i like to battle my demons alone. no, “like to” isn’t the right wording – my autopilot mode, i guess, is to let those protector parts come forward and put on a brave face outwardly, while internally i find myself collapsing and sinking into some dark depths. i don’t like to burden other people with my problems, especially when there’s a strong internal battle happening that leads me to feeling pretty confused about which way is up. but when i am able to lean into this place i find myself in now, where i can recognize these patterns as an externalization of the different parts that are converging and battling for the driver’s seat, i can approach these situations differently. i can have clarity of thought, amidst the total lack of clarity of emotion. staying in my head has never been the problem, after all 🙂 but what i can share about now is the message i’m opening myself to receive in this phase. at this juncture, if you will. and it comes from the messages my compassionate witnesses have had for me the last few weeks, including the culmination last night. here are the words from the back of the card i picked up that i wrote down to remember:

“opportunities are missed unless we are looking. growth will not occur unless we try. we are capable of almost anything when we are surrounded by people who encourage us. what restrictions limit your possibilities?”

that third sentence. that’s the one that allowed me to draw the really important connection that i need for this next phase of life that i want to step into: the importance of opening myself up to the loving support of other people. that was the message for myself from my compassionate witness last night. remember that it’s okay to open yourself up to the loving support of others.

i share this because i’ve been steadily walling myself off in a way that i am no longer comfortable accepting for a while now. in order for me to live the life i want to live, i gotta change some things. i gotta recognize and unlearn some things – again – that are keeping me stuck in the same patterns. specifically, right now, it’s recognizing that those words on the back of that card hold the lesson i need to embrace: i cannot experience the growth i want unless i try. it is not just going to happen to me, not in the way that i want it to. and the thing i’m committing myself to is receiving* the love my true Self knows i am worthy and deserving of receiving. it means continuing to unearth all those scared, vulnerable parts in me so that they can become integrated and no longer result in such long periods of “weird seasons”. it means recognizing the ways i am letting the wrong people have access to too much of the energy that i need to redirect in honor of myself, and making the choice to let them go. it means trying to show up differently, in ways that feel genuine and authentic and honest to me. (*trying to, at least).

cuz you see, i’m at a pretty damn good place in life right now. i have a lot going for me, and i feel lucky to be able to recognize and appreciate that. and also, i get to want more for myself, for my life. because i know that investing my time and energy into making changes – no matter how small – that honor what i need to feel more grounded actually allows me to show up in the world in the way that i’m meant to. with my full, integrated Self. making the changes that are uncomfortable and hard means that i can show up as a much better friend, sister, daughter, partner, therapist. honoring me means i can honor you.

are there ways you might be limiting yourself? things you can change, unearth, or explore, to allow you to step into your true Self more fully?

it feels nice to shake the rust off and post again. this didn’t contain all the life updates that i envisioned my first blog post back containing, but i think that’s just even more honoring of the truth of this season i’m in. if you’re here reading this, i am so grateful for your existence. i hope you can find a way to live more authentically in line with the you that you are meant to be, no matter how small the change is you need to make to get there. and if you’re in Denver and looking for a trusted, compassionate partner to walk with you along your journey, you can find me here 🙂 XO. thank you for being here.